Where is our place of REST?

Once I heard, like a voice, but not really a voice...I heard in my heart a phrase, giving in is not giving up.

Now, at the time, I had just given birth to a son, our third child.  I was very sick.  I was not drinking and had been sober throughout the pregnancy.  My body was a mess: it is a health odyssey to describe more fully another time, another post.  The point is that I was being bounced around like a hot potato from specialist to specialist.  From 2001-2002, there had been 11 E.R. visits in the course of a year.  Is it her heart?  Maybe M.S.?  Maybe Lupus?

Oh, we do see she has serious hormone deficiencies.  Oh, she has autoimmune illesses.  Oh, she better get on these pills fast before it is too late.

Well, I took four different prescriptions from three medical specialists.  And, you know what else?

I praised and thanked God!  My family and I were baffled by the sheer amount of diagnostics and medications and hospital visits and doctor visits...phew.   And, oh, so very much money and time.

The fact was that, during the summer of 2001, I knew I was dying...I had prayed and begged God to allow me to live at least the first three years of our son's life.  (I wanted to live for all three little one, daughers included.  The first prayer surged up in response to the utter dependence of a newborn babe...)

When I stayed alive I knew it was not because of me or for me.  I knew it was my prayer and all the prayers of all the "prayer chains" that had sprung up in the BEAUTIFUL people of faith around our family at the time.  Still, like a vestigial toe, was this pressure I was placing on myself.  How could I, Sara-the-tennis-player, Sara-the-strong, Sara-the-healthy be this sick and incapable of so many things.  Being competitive and proving my worth through physical and intellectual prowess were personality qualities ingrained over many years.

To relieve PRESSURE is a BIG reason we alcoholics drink.  "Relief."

"Relief."

Just say this word, and I bet you are feeling better.

"Relief."

Life is full of stress and pressure.  We have to be willing to give in, to step back, to re-assess where we are going.  We are not giving up when we give in.

Give in to what?  is a valid question.

Though Alcoholics Anonymous has not been the path or map of my recovery up to this point, I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about AA.  I read this book  (Susan Cheever's bio of Bill W...forgot how to put as a link...get to that one later...)  Giving in is the first step for twelve steppers; and, my "health defeat" after our son was born was truly a blessing in disguise.

I had to admit defeat.  As I said in the first entry in this journal, I want this journal to be a place of rest.  I can rest in the writing and hope that any readers may rest in the common truths expressed in my story.  How often do we fail to improve our lives because we are unwilling to stop being so dang willful?  How often do we fail to grow as persons because we are afraid to express our deepest fears and deepest desires as well?

Of course, giving up alcohol is not a matter of mere willpower alone.  I am like every other alcoholic in that I lied to myself and patted myself on the back consoling myself to just go on living like I was living,   The interior monologue goes something like this,

"Well, I did it again and binged, but that was just a weekend thing.  I do not even need a drink every day...if I did that would be something else...Jogging is so great for working off the drinks when I drink too much.  We athletes may play hard...yes. we do...but, we work even harder.  I deserve it.  I've earned a little drinkie poo."

For me, one of the best ways I rationalized drinking too much was eating super healthily when I got back into the rut of daily wine drinking.  The oh-it-is-ok-to-drink-two-ish-glasses-of-wine-every-evening mentality when it is "paired" with gourmet cheeses and other delicious, homemade foods...Down deep I winced in guilt and found ways to not think too much about it.

For me, that is where prayer came in and keeps coming in.  I struggle with expressing this now as I write this because prayer can be a complete turn off to some.  Maybe, at best, it is like something not related to the road to recovery.  Maybe prayer is for religious people ...not for the nuts and bolts of truly healthy living.

Well here I am and gotta stop writing.  It's time to go get some housework done before the kiddos get home from school.  I hope I can keep at this writing.  I do not want to write a "drunk-a-logue," rather this is just one mom's effort to reach out especially to other women...maybe this could help some dads too...but, my sense is that women and men talk inside themselves very differently about alcohol and alcohol abuse.  Surely there are things in common too.  I am not sure.  I am working many things out as I go!

I am giving in again as I had rather not go over some of this stuff.

It hurts to go back, but, it also heals.  Healing and prayer and writing and talking and sharing are all very interconnected in this place of REST we all must find to be truly healthy.

Healthy is a NOW thing.  Our world is full of too much pressure, too fast, too hard-- let's put on the brakes and stop and rest a while.

It took a long while for me NOT to seek rest in my workouts, my husband, my friends, my shopping or my wine glass/beer/cocktail glass...a long while, yes, lots of years wasting time....but, that is not the whole story.

There were emotional and spiritual "pick-me-ups" that were full of healing graces.  For me, these "pick-me-ups" are always people.  May we be blessed to know that really there is nothing done that cannot be undone when real LOVE is involved.

As pat as it may be to say, I am going to give in and say it,

Only the real deal LOVE --and, yes, there are SO many counterfeit loves--that it takes to be honest with ourselves and others heals the addict.  The place of REST is in our hearts.  Our minds will often betray us.  May we give in and allow our hearts to lead...

Off the deep end...

So, has Sara gone off the deep end?  The short answer is,

“Yes, for a while now…right off the deep end.” 

The good news is that I have been a swimmer for a long time, so not to worry.  There is time for me, and for every recovering alcoholic or addict, to go all over the pool, from the shallow waters to the deeper waters.  The whole pool has much to teach: from floating on our backs in the middle, to hanging out by those gradual stairs at the shallow end with our funny, yellow duck ring smushed around our middles. 

It all works, and we all pace it out differently.

I am sorry for the time I wasted abusing alcohol.  If you are reading this right now and are someone I hurt by my drive to drink, I ask your forgiveness and hope in your friendship.  I thank all the friends who have never wavered -- even as I have done a thousand wrong things, started many good things, never to have finished, waiting to be healthier and happier.  As wordy as I can be, there are really no words to touch the beauty of Mercy in my almost fifty years of life.    

I have read how AA helps its adherents to go and make amends.  I believe in the value of this.  One of the deepest, coldest areas of “deep water” in the soul of an alcoholic is the wasting and killing of time, of all those blackouts, of getting behind the wheel and not remembering driving home…these are deep waters.  When an alcoholic says to loved ones that he or she is sorry for all the trouble she has caused, hopefully bridges are repaired, if not totally rebuilt.  As a practicing Catholic, the first person I told I was sorry was God.  He who gave me life did not give it to me for me to waste and kill.

God forgave me.  He keeps forgiving me, and that is part of this story.  This action of merciful love is at the heart of the Blessed Trinity.

More good news is that the Mercy of God is SO MUCH BIGGER AND DEEPER than our deepest, darkest hours.  Illness and addiction mitigate our culpability.  I am not an addiction professional by any means; rather, I have experienced the healing power of God the Holy Spirit over my addiction to alcohol.  It was the Holy Spirit who pushed me into the deep.  God pushed hard knowing I was at a pretty solid moment of my Christian faith journey, so I could be pushed right into the deep.  What a grace! 

For others, thank goodness, the journey is unique, even our “maps” are different.  Patterns emerge, but timing is personal.  It should be that way for true freedom to win out.

I hope and pray anyone who comes and makes a visit to this blog journal will find refreshment and rest.  I hope my story is both a place and a path.

A place of rest and knowledge and truth.  A place to explore the idea of sober inebriation in the Holy Spirit.  A  place to let down our guards and wonder if there really IS a Father or a Heaven.

A path leading toward gentleness toward self and others.  A path that ultimately leads to the Prince of Peace.  We’ll take a dip in the pool of peace knowing angels and ancient Mysteries are swimming with us.  Sinners and saints are all there too.  No need to get overwhelmed; in this pool, no one drowns.

The Holy Spirit pushed me into the deep.  It was a miracle.  It involved a very kind friend who did not set out to heal me of alcoholism.  In fact, we had ducked out of a party for her to pray over me and my husband to help us with a family problem.  My thirst for alcohol disappeared and was totally gone for many years.  It came back…the craving, the thirst, that is…

“God is the God of surprises and interruptions,” as our Irish pastor used to say.  I can firmly attest that we should expect these wonderful surprises and interruptions in our lives.  However our faith goes right now, life is most interesting when you get to hit a curve ball.

My healing quickly morphed in to a desire to help others heal, not just other Christians or Catholics, but all people because all people hurt.  We all hurt ourselves, which, in turn, hurts others: ever feel like you just keep “shooting yourself in the foot.”

And doing so in the same place!

Well, spiritual healing helps little troubles and big ones.  Honestly, most of us come to realize that the big troubles are the result of lots of relatively short moments gone bad.  It happens over and over until we have no control.  Giving in to help and healing is NOT IN ANY WAY giving up our dignity or success in life.  The opposite is true. 

“One day at a time, sweet Jesus…” is often on the lips of those who are faithful not just to their sobriety but to their very sanity.

May everyone be healed of alcoholism and all other ills in the eternal DAY of the Lord whose Timing is perfect.  God gives at the perfect time to us imperfect men and women.  May the road to recovery rise to meet us all!  May we all travel spiritually even beyond recovery to higher and higher places still…