Once I heard, like a voice, but not really a voice...I heard in my heart a phrase, giving in is not giving up.
Now, at the time, I had just given birth to a son, our third child. I was very sick. I was not drinking and had been sober throughout the pregnancy. My body was a mess: it is a health odyssey to describe more fully another time, another post. The point is that I was being bounced around like a hot potato from specialist to specialist. From 2001-2002, there had been 11 E.R. visits in the course of a year. Is it her heart? Maybe M.S.? Maybe Lupus?
Oh, we do see she has serious hormone deficiencies. Oh, she has autoimmune illesses. Oh, she better get on these pills fast before it is too late.
Well, I took four different prescriptions from three medical specialists. And, you know what else?
I praised and thanked God! My family and I were baffled by the sheer amount of diagnostics and medications and hospital visits and doctor visits...phew. And, oh, so very much money and time.
The fact was that, during the summer of 2001, I knew I was dying...I had prayed and begged God to allow me to live at least the first three years of our son's life. (I wanted to live for all three little one, daughers included. The first prayer surged up in response to the utter dependence of a newborn babe...)
When I stayed alive I knew it was not because of me or for me. I knew it was my prayer and all the prayers of all the "prayer chains" that had sprung up in the BEAUTIFUL people of faith around our family at the time. Still, like a vestigial toe, was this pressure I was placing on myself. How could I, Sara-the-tennis-player, Sara-the-strong, Sara-the-healthy be this sick and incapable of so many things. Being competitive and proving my worth through physical and intellectual prowess were personality qualities ingrained over many years.
To relieve PRESSURE is a BIG reason we alcoholics drink. "Relief."
"Relief."
Just say this word, and I bet you are feeling better.
"Relief."
Life is full of stress and pressure. We have to be willing to give in, to step back, to re-assess where we are going. We are not giving up when we give in.
Give in to what? is a valid question.
Though Alcoholics Anonymous has not been the path or map of my recovery up to this point, I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about AA. I read this book (Susan Cheever's bio of Bill W...forgot how to put as a link...get to that one later...) Giving in is the first step for twelve steppers; and, my "health defeat" after our son was born was truly a blessing in disguise.
I had to admit defeat. As I said in the first entry in this journal, I want this journal to be a place of rest. I can rest in the writing and hope that any readers may rest in the common truths expressed in my story. How often do we fail to improve our lives because we are unwilling to stop being so dang willful? How often do we fail to grow as persons because we are afraid to express our deepest fears and deepest desires as well?
Of course, giving up alcohol is not a matter of mere willpower alone. I am like every other alcoholic in that I lied to myself and patted myself on the back consoling myself to just go on living like I was living, The interior monologue goes something like this,
"Well, I did it again and binged, but that was just a weekend thing. I do not even need a drink every day...if I did that would be something else...Jogging is so great for working off the drinks when I drink too much. We athletes may play hard...yes. we do...but, we work even harder. I deserve it. I've earned a little drinkie poo."
For me, one of the best ways I rationalized drinking too much was eating super healthily when I got back into the rut of daily wine drinking. The oh-it-is-ok-to-drink-two-ish-glasses-of-wine-every-evening mentality when it is "paired" with gourmet cheeses and other delicious, homemade foods...Down deep I winced in guilt and found ways to not think too much about it.
For me, that is where prayer came in and keeps coming in. I struggle with expressing this now as I write this because prayer can be a complete turn off to some. Maybe, at best, it is like something not related to the road to recovery. Maybe prayer is for religious people ...not for the nuts and bolts of truly healthy living.
Well here I am and gotta stop writing. It's time to go get some housework done before the kiddos get home from school. I hope I can keep at this writing. I do not want to write a "drunk-a-logue," rather this is just one mom's effort to reach out especially to other women...maybe this could help some dads too...but, my sense is that women and men talk inside themselves very differently about alcohol and alcohol abuse. Surely there are things in common too. I am not sure. I am working many things out as I go!
I am giving in again as I had rather not go over some of this stuff.
It hurts to go back, but, it also heals. Healing and prayer and writing and talking and sharing are all very interconnected in this place of REST we all must find to be truly healthy.
Healthy is a NOW thing. Our world is full of too much pressure, too fast, too hard-- let's put on the brakes and stop and rest a while.
It took a long while for me NOT to seek rest in my workouts, my husband, my friends, my shopping or my wine glass/beer/cocktail glass...a long while, yes, lots of years wasting time....but, that is not the whole story.
There were emotional and spiritual "pick-me-ups" that were full of healing graces. For me, these "pick-me-ups" are always people. May we be blessed to know that really there is nothing done that cannot be undone when real LOVE is involved.
As pat as it may be to say, I am going to give in and say it,
Only the real deal LOVE --and, yes, there are SO many counterfeit loves--that it takes to be honest with ourselves and others heals the addict. The place of REST is in our hearts. Our minds will often betray us. May we give in and allow our hearts to lead...
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