Off the deep end...

So, has Sara gone off the deep end?  The short answer is,

“Yes, for a while now…right off the deep end.” 

The good news is that I have been a swimmer for a long time, so not to worry.  There is time for me, and for every recovering alcoholic or addict, to go all over the pool, from the shallow waters to the deeper waters.  The whole pool has much to teach: from floating on our backs in the middle, to hanging out by those gradual stairs at the shallow end with our funny, yellow duck ring smushed around our middles. 

It all works, and we all pace it out differently.

I am sorry for the time I wasted abusing alcohol.  If you are reading this right now and are someone I hurt by my drive to drink, I ask your forgiveness and hope in your friendship.  I thank all the friends who have never wavered -- even as I have done a thousand wrong things, started many good things, never to have finished, waiting to be healthier and happier.  As wordy as I can be, there are really no words to touch the beauty of Mercy in my almost fifty years of life.    

I have read how AA helps its adherents to go and make amends.  I believe in the value of this.  One of the deepest, coldest areas of “deep water” in the soul of an alcoholic is the wasting and killing of time, of all those blackouts, of getting behind the wheel and not remembering driving home…these are deep waters.  When an alcoholic says to loved ones that he or she is sorry for all the trouble she has caused, hopefully bridges are repaired, if not totally rebuilt.  As a practicing Catholic, the first person I told I was sorry was God.  He who gave me life did not give it to me for me to waste and kill.

God forgave me.  He keeps forgiving me, and that is part of this story.  This action of merciful love is at the heart of the Blessed Trinity.

More good news is that the Mercy of God is SO MUCH BIGGER AND DEEPER than our deepest, darkest hours.  Illness and addiction mitigate our culpability.  I am not an addiction professional by any means; rather, I have experienced the healing power of God the Holy Spirit over my addiction to alcohol.  It was the Holy Spirit who pushed me into the deep.  God pushed hard knowing I was at a pretty solid moment of my Christian faith journey, so I could be pushed right into the deep.  What a grace! 

For others, thank goodness, the journey is unique, even our “maps” are different.  Patterns emerge, but timing is personal.  It should be that way for true freedom to win out.

I hope and pray anyone who comes and makes a visit to this blog journal will find refreshment and rest.  I hope my story is both a place and a path.

A place of rest and knowledge and truth.  A place to explore the idea of sober inebriation in the Holy Spirit.  A  place to let down our guards and wonder if there really IS a Father or a Heaven.

A path leading toward gentleness toward self and others.  A path that ultimately leads to the Prince of Peace.  We’ll take a dip in the pool of peace knowing angels and ancient Mysteries are swimming with us.  Sinners and saints are all there too.  No need to get overwhelmed; in this pool, no one drowns.

The Holy Spirit pushed me into the deep.  It was a miracle.  It involved a very kind friend who did not set out to heal me of alcoholism.  In fact, we had ducked out of a party for her to pray over me and my husband to help us with a family problem.  My thirst for alcohol disappeared and was totally gone for many years.  It came back…the craving, the thirst, that is…

“God is the God of surprises and interruptions,” as our Irish pastor used to say.  I can firmly attest that we should expect these wonderful surprises and interruptions in our lives.  However our faith goes right now, life is most interesting when you get to hit a curve ball.

My healing quickly morphed in to a desire to help others heal, not just other Christians or Catholics, but all people because all people hurt.  We all hurt ourselves, which, in turn, hurts others: ever feel like you just keep “shooting yourself in the foot.”

And doing so in the same place!

Well, spiritual healing helps little troubles and big ones.  Honestly, most of us come to realize that the big troubles are the result of lots of relatively short moments gone bad.  It happens over and over until we have no control.  Giving in to help and healing is NOT IN ANY WAY giving up our dignity or success in life.  The opposite is true. 

“One day at a time, sweet Jesus…” is often on the lips of those who are faithful not just to their sobriety but to their very sanity.

May everyone be healed of alcoholism and all other ills in the eternal DAY of the Lord whose Timing is perfect.  God gives at the perfect time to us imperfect men and women.  May the road to recovery rise to meet us all!  May we all travel spiritually even beyond recovery to higher and higher places still…